a victoria p


02 February 2008

Day Five is OVER

Today was by far the hardest day of the cleanse. My coworkers told me that I look angry and hungry. I am hungry, horny, and generally deprived of all that is good in life. All of which, mind you, I have access to but for whatever reason my mind is fucking me and I am practicing some hardcore discipline. I want to be able to say I went ten days without eating-- that I detoxed my body completely from nicotine, alcohol, caffeine, select drugs and filet-o -fishes. It's literally been a few years since I've had a filet-o-fish. Shit, I really want a filet-o-fish right now.

At work, I almost lost it completely. The only thing that stopped me was that I thought I might actually harm my body by eating, since it's nearly forgotten what it's like. That might be bullshit, but they say you're supposed to ween off of this cleanse. I ended up putting a piece of ginger candy in my mouth, chewed it for a second and spit it out. My teeth felt gritty and weird immediately after.

My ear is killing me, my lower back aches like hell, and my nose is stuffed, but not like a cold or allergies-- like some weird getting rid of the badness, sort of way.

I have this general feeling that I am always slacking off; that nothing I do is good enough-- that I should be writing something or working out more or working more or going out on more interviews or networking more or making more money. I always feel like I should be generally doing something more than what I'm currently doing. I know I'm being really hard on myself, but nothing is satisfying me lately. Right now my mind is racing and telling me I should be doing sit-ups, not fucking blogging again. I sleep no more than six hours a night, at best. Nothing seems good enough. No guy seems worth it, not even the ones that should seem worth it. Nothing's clicking and I'm constantly waiting for everything to make sense, as if something would finally click and I would sit back and relax a little bit.

I think I am severely lonely or severely motivated. Maybe a bit of both, but I definitely am not balanced and feel abandoned by a lot of things in my life, things I can't even pinpoint.

I feel so alert that I almost feel drunk; I'm sort of tweaking out a bit. I missed my subway stop because I was too absorbed in the Amelie soundtrack, all while I was trying to save a buck and catch up on some reading, by taking the subway home at 2AM, instead of a quick cab. I can't remember if I've ever missed a subway stop before because I was that absent-minded. I accidentally took it all the way to 23rd Street, got out, went to Duane Reed for a few jugs of spring water and took a cab home from there. I met a really sweet Haitian security guard who told me I was a good person and that I reminded him of his sister in Haiti. Or at least that's what I think he said. Getting home ended up costing me an extra ten bucks, plus a wasted subway ride. To rub it all in, the cab driver drove right passed the bar I had originally been at. What was I doing in a bar, you ask? Torturing myself. I pulled another frenchie and left.

The minute I walked in the door, I went right for my kitchen cabinet and took a swig of maple syrup to the head.

Nightcap, if you will.

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