If We Are What We Eat...

Then I am fucking nothing! I am finishing day THREE of the cleanse right now, sipping on a hot chocolate flavored cup of poop tea. I have to work tomorrow (for money), for the first time since the beginning of the cleanse (I do work everyday, I assure you). I am nervous about pressure from my coworkers to go out after work and drink and even, (gasp!) eat something.

I am going to cut down on my "lemonade" intake tomorrow and start using spring water because apparently the fluoride in New York tap water is bad news (bears).

My tongue is white and my teeth are gritty. Also, I am officially sweating sweat that smells like maple syrup and am hypersensitive to smell, especially food. I can still smell salad dressing from a salad my roommate made yesterday, that has long been eaten. Also, the gym smells awful, except for my maple syrup sweat glands.

I had water stuck in my right ear for two days, about a month ago. It scared me because that had never happened before and I realized just then that hearing is my favorite of all five senses. Pitch and music matter so much to me. Intonation is so important to me and I have a whole lot of it-- some people hate that about my voice and some people think it's "cute" or whatever. It's me-- I don't have any feelings about it other than it just comes natural. I know this because I've tried to hide it before.

Once the water trickled out, I thought I was fine and thanked my lucky stars to have my perfect hearing back. Suddenly today, my ear aches like a bitch. I guess I've had an ear infection all along. I hope it "cleanses" itself to health.

Things I am craving:

-Deviled eggs
-Hard-boiled eggs in general
-A big salad with my favorite fat free honey dijon dressing and diced hard-boiled eggs
-Soft-boiled eggs, like the ones at The Spotted Pig
-The Spotted Pig, in general (and that salad they have with the fried egg on top)
-GREEN TEA
-Fried green tea ice cream
-Avocados
-Guacamole
-Tofu crisps from Erb Thai
-Peanut sauce to dip said tofu crisps
-Cookie dough slim fast bar
-A white chocolate chip cookie with almonds
-Red peppers and baby carrots and hummus
-A Jamaican Firefly or a Pisco Punch or a Tantris Sidecar or a Guinness or a shot of Rittenhouse to my head, jesus
-Falling asleep in a dark blue room in the East Village instead of in my own big, lonely bed in Greenpoint (that's not food but it reminds me of a nice warm tuna melt, amongst other things)
-Green tea latte from Starbucks
-The taste of a boysenberry condom (kidding, that's from Juno)
-An over-ripened, gritty pear in all of it's gritty goodness
-ONE SINGLE SOLITARY FUCKING BANANA
-A LOLLIPOP, STICK OF CHEW, or LIFESAVER


Just got off the phone with my mom:
"I'm going to be in a bad mood for the next week. Don't take it personal and don't mention food around me."

That goes for all of you lovely people.

After typing that list, I realized that I don't really even want any of those things. It's just what I usually eat. I just needed to get it out. Although my mouth is watering from the cookie dough slim fast bar. They're really good, I swear.

Today, I also realized that I am going through this fast/ test of discipline/ cleanse completely alone. Then I started to wonder if I was going through most of my life completely alone. Then I started to wonder if we all are going through most of our lives completely alone. Do we all just prepare a little song and dance, present it to people we both know and don't know and wait for their reaction? And then do it again? And somewhere between that, we get paid? Sounds very much like an artists' complex. And sounds very much like I am also craving a legitimate, loving, boyfriend that will exist not out of necessity, but just alongside me and everything I do in my life. Someone to kiss on the way out the door in the morning or someone to eat dinner with and watch movies with and fall asleep next to. And someone that just doesn't disappear. And someone that doesn't make me want to just disappear, too because I'm also awfully good at that when I want to get out of a relationship. So, I can understand why someone would want to disappear, but I would hope that this would all eventually stop when I was with the right person or with the wrong person at the right time. Or with the right person at the right time. I think being with the right person at the wrong time has got to be the hardest, though. Fuck.

And then I remembered all the happy couples I know and got that overwhelming third wheel feeling I usually only get when I'm around them. I think I just get generally lonely late at night. I think most people who live alone do. Although, I have three roommates. But I never see them and since I'm not using the kitchen much these days, I'll really never see them. I'm going to go read a book, (a reference book, how lame) and fall asleep with my headphones on to this Brigitte Bardot song that I totally intend to recreate the music video of, over the weekend (by myself) once I pick up some new tapes for my camera.