a victoria p


10 September 2007


currently seeking: tall, lean, gentleman for possible LTRH (Long Term Relationship/ Hibernation) for upcoming winter months.
cigarette-smoking friendly, not necessarily indoors. text-messaging friendly. "salinger" person, a plus. light eyes, a plus, although warm eyes also encouraged to apply. must be interested in my friends, but not too interested. must be able to handle your liquor, but not too well. grammar awareness an absolute must. profound jawline, stern brow. must wear a tie at least once per week, as the occasional full-suit is mandatory. please be familiar with publications such as the onion and new york magazine. if frank sinatra were to come on in an establishment you were at with a beautiful woman, you should know what to do. knowledge of flowers. absolutely must be ambitious in your field. endurance in the bedroom. soup aficionado. finds sentiment in jewelery. formerly athletic, may still take the occasional jog. hand-holding friendly but cuddling not necessary, with the exclusion of the fourth of july picnic. baby-talk not encouraged. relative pitch absolutely necessary, perfect pitch encouraged. big eater wanted. cooking a plus, as you must own a microwave and tea kettle. awareness of traditional chivalry. ability to purchase tampons. must be able to "pull off" suspenders (especially if i'm feeling randy). guitar-playing ability not necessary, but piano-playing ability, a plus. weekly date-night mandatory. coffee friendly, tea drinker a plus. six-pack looked upon highly (beer). must be able to plan events for birthdays and valentine's day, with a general awareness of american holidays. classic car or motorcycle owners highly encouraged to apply. not too liberal, with sensibly moderate political views, a plus. underwear not specified. knowledge of the optimal bubble bath. must love feet. please know your way around new york city nightlife and be up-to-date with restaurant openings. foreign-born should not be hesitant in applying. religion not specified, however not encouraged to be major in your lifestyle. cologne-wearing. habitual drug users, narcissists, addictive or condescending personalities, nine to fivers, pessimists, bridge and tunnel-ers, perfectionists, and the self-absorbed need not apply but are advised to check back at a later date of insanity**.

please send submissions in the form of a photo attachment to birdiebirdbird@gmail.com along with a blurb about why you think you would be fit for the job.

thank you for your interest and i look forward to your replies.

** please have a sense of humor!


Joseph said...

i wish i was a little bit taller.

bird said...

i encourage you to apply! who are you!

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