a victoria p

birdiebirdbird@gmail.com
brooklyn

05 October 2008

Oklahoma, you're breaking my heart.

I saw your potentential; I never saw your desperation. I thought you were standing right next to me before I started to climb the hill.

You're breaking my heart the only way you can break a heart so obviously absent and preoccupied. My heart has been cold for years; just thawed for moments-- nights, but never mornings; lapses in time but never permanence. Love is like a good, deep sleep. It goes unrecognized but is appreciated in slight details throughout the day. When it's not around, you know it's not around. You miss it, you want it, you anticipate time for it, you finally make time for it. By then you've gotten so used to not having it that when you have found the time for it, you can't seem to make it work. You become restless.

Pains but never aches or pangs anymore, when I think of being in love. I am departed and I am scared. I am solemn. I am insecure. I have walls up, oh do I have metaphorical walls. But behind those "walls" I have promises, little promises that only someone patient and genuine will be any part of. I test the waters by offering my ears and sometimes my kissing lips but unusually my preaches, ideas, firm beliefs, cemented knowledge, talents, criticisms. I reserve those in the form of immediacy for my friends-- a different sort of love, deep in itself, but I'm expecting more from someone one day.

I suppose I often appear dainty, cute, delicate, with hard, listening eyes. I try not to blink because with every blink is a flinch of insincerity. Sometimes I put my head down all together in my hands when I'm listening just to avoid blinking out of eye contact.

Do you wait until you're in that airport scene that doesn't exist in real life or can I tell you now: I love you the only way I can-- true and wholly for who you are (and not for who you couldn't be for me).

Money is a hard and cold object that proclaims control. I hear when you have it, it's about continuing to do what you love and being with people you love. I hear that you're happiest having done what you love to get it.

Perseverance is imperative, Oklahoma.


I know you can swim, so swim.

1 comment:

Eric said...

I wish I could take back...the words that hurt you, the selfish being that spent all those days at your side.

I wish I could take back...the fear in my eyes when I looked at into yours; so kind, wanting to calm and give comfort to my heart.

I wish I could take back...and cradle your heart inside my chest so it could never be broken again.

I wish I could take back... and love you the way I always wanted to.

I wish I could write as beautiful and passionately as you write so I might take it all back.

I'll keep swimmin instead...

-oklahoma

 
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