a victoria p


10 September 2007

bye norman

i decided to skip the bar tonight and invite you over. obviously, you're not over. obviously, i hate you for this-- really, sincerely hate you because i've felt exceptionally guilty and horrible all day. i really shouldn't feel guilty with half the emotions you've dragged out of me lately, but i do. i'm sorry you didn't sleep last night and i hope that that is the reason you're not coming to my apartment tonight. however, i can't get it out of my head that you hate me hounding you and that you're going to go home, drink some beer and watch some porn, like some typical guy who wants some girl off his ass. i'm going to get over you, norman. it's the only thing that makes sense anymore. then, in a few months we can be best of friends, just as you portray you'd like it to be. even though, honestly, i am not cynthia, and you mean the world to me, whatever that godforsaken expression means. i have a bundle of passion for you, in my heart, but i'm starting to only think that is due to all the rejection and hurt you've made me feel lately. i can be friends with my past lovers, but you sir, i think, are different then them. i hope you understand that i don't think we can talk throughout this peaceful break up you've called. i just can't give that to you. i don't want you to feel better in any way, not being with me. i want you to feel whole and happy when you're with me and lonely when you're not, but i guess that has all tapered away for now. i feel that breaking up was the worst thing you could have done for my trust issues; you not really caring that i am going to be with other people is a hardship for me because, flatly i don't want to be with anyone else if it isn't you. and also, i can't imagine you being with anyone else, even though that is not necessarily true because i can imagine it, and it kills me. i can't presume you fighting for me and needing me back anymore. i feel unruffled now and i am ready to give up. thanks for understanding and i hope you are always loved, safe, warm, and full-- and never complacent.

the following attachment is what i sent zooey tonight. i'm going to stop sending you the letters i write him for now on, i just wanted you to know exactly what happened last night, which is what i wanted to talk about at my apartment tonight, in the first place.

i am inconsolable without your understanding and as much as it will pain me (and god knows, it will) this is the way it has to be for me, as long as we're not meant to work out.

i love you more than i've ever loved anyone, Norman, and i can only hope to feel this way again, one day.


No comments:

Get free html for hit counter .