a victoria p

birdiebirdbird@gmail.com
brooklyn

25 January 2008

As if I Had Two Brothers by Blood

For the last few years, I've compared most of the men in my life to either Scott or Zooey. In more ways than, "Well, they don't smoke as much as Scott or Zooey," too. I say that, "as if I had two brothers," because Bethany once told me what it was like to have brothers and size up all the men that have gone through her life, to them. I make the comparison in general because as humans we are always looking to compare things with other things that are familiar. We are not creatures of change, even the strongest of us can't get away from that. When all in all, having Zooey and Scott in my life might very well be better than having two brothers.

I told them to look really manly and squeeze together next to their girly-looking drinks, before I took that photo shown above. Zooey looks really fucking sad which for whatever reason comes out a lot in photos taken of him, although he never seems particularly sad right before a photo is taken, I'd guess to say. Scott looks... well. How about Scott just looks. His eye is swelling shut from a "pimple" which when he was explaining it to me I thought he had initially said "pitbull" and I swear to god he let me continue on a tangent about how my mother was just telling me about pitbulls that attack people in the face.

I've been paying a lot more attention to dialog lately. More than usual, anyway, which means I could potentially become a "quoter," as I refer to them. I first deemed them "quoters" after the Wet Hot American Summer lesbian quoters I went to high school with. "Quoters" reference all sorts of media but mainly movies, a whole hell of a lot. I resent them because I feel like I haven't seen as many movies as I should. I usually just respond with, "I don't remember that part," when somebody goes on a quoting tangent of a certain film that I haven't seen. They usually make it quite obvious that it is widely-spread and I should know what they're talking about. I think it's sheerly obvious that I'm lying because my voice sort of trails off and I usually feel like an even bigger asshole after. But still, I go through this process with someone at least five times a week and I still always try to play it off as if I just don't remember a certain part in the movie while trying to imply that I actually did see the movie, although it's more often the case that I haven't. I either need to start watching more movies at a rapid pace or start turning it around and making the "quoter" feel stupid about quoting a particularly strange part of a particularly strange movie. That won't work in all circumstances though because, for instance, let's say the quoter was quoting something from say, The Big Lebowski. Now, I've actually even seen that movie, but I could tell you right now I wouldn't be able to detect many quotes from it because I tend to dispose of dialog quite fast-- weird that I attempt to write scripts in the first place. And see, that's a widely accepted movie and I would be ignorant to try and make the "quoter" feel bad if he or she was quoting something from that sort of a movie. Or say, Superbad. Lot's of great "quotes" and fast dialog in that movie. And again, I have even seen it. But I still wouldn't be able to distinguish a quote right away. I think my mind disposes the bridge that is made between a line and where the line actually came from, rather quickly. Maybe some "quoters" are just really poor actors or interpreters and I should (when I don't recognize a quote) just attack their referencing ability. Yeah, maybe I'll try that for a week.

This also goes for people and general name-dropping, not necessarily name-dropping in the negative sense, just as a reference to something. Sometimes people in conversation will refer to a person who is widely-known whose name I don't recognize or can't properly associate with and I'll try my best to keep the conversation going as if I knew whom they were referring to. It usually gets to a certain point where it's obvious I didn't know who they were talking about all along and again I look like an even bigger asshole than I would of if I would have just admitted to not knowing about who they were talking about in the first place. Then I'll have myself a good false chuckle and try and change the topic or draw attention to something else, like some cutesy idiosyncrasy I have been told I posses. If I'm comfortable enough with the person, I'll usually just say, "You know me. I don't know who anybody is," and they'll sometimes continue to chart out a whole network of how this person they were originally referencing is related to this other person, who is related to this other person, who is related to this whole fucking conversation. In the worst cases, I won't recognize anybody from the entire network they just referenced and I'll (again) feel like an even bigger asshole and start to tuck my hair behind my ears and look around or something equally as insecure-looking.

To conclude that tangent, I have been paying extremely close attention to dialog and general human interaction this week, as if the Amelie soundtrack was playing lightly in the background of my whole fucking life. Some examples to follow from Scott and Zooey, the other night.

SCOTT
I have better type-writing font than you.
ZOOEY
I have pretty damn good type-writing font.
SCOTT
Write something. Let's see it.
ZOOEY
What should I write?
SCOTT
Write, "This is my type-writing font".

----

ZOOEY
I like your hair.
BIRD
I know. You said it last time I wore it like this.
ZOOEY
I did?
ZOOEY
Wait, turn around. Let me see it.
BIRD
Stop it. It's gross.
BIRD (CON'T)
This is how I wear my hair when I'm working.
SCOTT
This might be the worst photo of you ever taken.
BIRD
Oh, thanks. I'm going to go home and post it on my blog.



----

BIRD
How do we feel about Juno?
ZOOEY
It's being compared to Wes Anderson. Have you heard that?
BIRD
Don't tell me that.

Before Zooey even referenced Wes Anderson right there, I was stealing (borrowing...) something from The Darjeeling Limited, I think-- I'm not quite sure. Owen Wilson's character would always take it upon himself to order for his brothers, usually prefacing it with "How do we feel..." or something very close to that. I think so anyway, I'm not actually sure, just covering my ass.

BIRD
How are we dealing with Heath?
BIRD (CON'T)
Someone at work today said she was going to go home and "Heath" herself.
SCOTT
That's so fucked up.
ZOOEY
I can't really believe it. Not him. If you told me Tara Reid OD'ed, I'd believe it. But, Heath? No.

----

SCOTT
Are you still dating Joe?
BIRD
No, I don't think so.
SCOTT
Why, what happened?
BIRD
I don't think I'm ready to talk about it.
SCOTT
But who broke up with who?
BIRD
I don't really think there was much to "break up" about.

----

BIRD
I've been dating myself for about three months now.
BIRD (CON'T)
I cook dinner for myself. I make myself fucking salads. I take myself to the movies. I must've been the last person to discover youporn.com, but I did find it.

BIRD trails off.

BIRD (defensively)
Well, there's also this guy at work. . . .
ZOOEY
Relationships are a lot of fucking work.
BIRD
I think I've forgotten what it's like to be in one.
BIRD (CON'T)
Which, I think might mean that I'm ready to be in one again.
BIRD (CON'T)
I sort of want it to be the final one, though. Like, I want to do it right this time.
BIRD (CON'T)
I think I'm finally ready to do it right this time.
SCOTT
How long ago did we break up?
BIRD
Like a year and a half ago.

----

BIRD
Can I have a glass of water? I hate to be that person that asks for a glass of water. I'm a bartender, I know how lame it is.
BARTENDER
Why? I serve the best glass of water in town.
BARTENDER (CON'T)
Plus, you obviously know how to drink.

1 comment:

Zooey said...

Best quote made about me in recent history*:

"He doesn't seem particularly sad right before the picture is taken..."

-bird.

*that is to say, Best Quote Made About Me to my knowledge, which does not, I suppose, extend to any wildly clever quotes made about me behind my back, be it friend or foe, and probably including, but not limited to: "Z--- Johnson? What a tool!"

 
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